I have a lot to do today. Before we head home to spent Thanksgiving with my parents I feel the urge to put my thoughts down.
Yesterday after meditation, the group was asked to share three things that we were thankful for. Now, I have been pretty quiet about our experience to bring our daughter home, for the past 8 years. It is a difficult thing for me to share with others because of the emotions that it brings up in myself but also dealing with all the questions and also influence the way people think of her. I try hard not to skew that and let people judge R for who she shows them she is, not where she came from or how she entered this world. R entered just like anyone else. The circumstance of how and by whom she is raised is what is a bit different than the majority. It isn’t that far from many though and she certainly is not alone. Anyhow, I am already off track…
I have been practising Tai Chi with a group of people who I have come to really value. And at this moment of truth-telling and sharing what we are grateful for I chose my parents and the support that they gave me in raising their family. They taught me and my siblings so much about being just truthful to who we are and non-materialistic. The value of belief and practicality. I cannot believe we did what we did. The decision to create our little family is a big one and not for everyone. The decision to do it the way we did… I am awestruck when I think back because I was so out of my element. I surprised that I did not break down…no…actually I did. There was the day when we signed the paper – as I write this my eyes are welling up. My emotions were high, everyone’s was, and I was probably feeling all of that energy from not just myself, but from every other person in that room. I just began shaking and all of a sudden I am crying. It must have been so confusing to the people there. Am I scared, am I sad, am I worried, what is it?! Am I strong enough…? I know what it is now though. I hold things in. I am quiet, calm and collected. but it wallows and, on this day, exploded in a tearful and public display at a moment when I really needed to be calm. It was the day she became ours. She was ours the moment she was conceived. In was the day they said officially, that she was handed over to us in full. Trusted.
In raising my daughter and trying to give her the tools she needs to discover who she is, I am learning so much about myself. Slowly, I am understanding who I want to be.